The Topamax blindness is such a brutal metaphor for trust. Followed medical advice, got the rare side effect that literally took sight away. Then 2020 did the same thing but to collective trust, and now theres this weird tension between remembering what happened and needing to function. Norm's paint observation nails it, once you see how something actually works you cant unsee it, but pretending you didnt notice becomes the price of re-entry.
I was a boy in the 70s, a youth in the 80s, and a young man in the 90s. I have a vague memory of what that was like, that is perhaps best described as a memory of a memory. The freedom of the ordinary person; the ties of friendship stronger than politics or religion or race; the willingness to live and let live. The vast majority of us had agreed, and that’s how we conducted ourselves, I’m sure of it. I swear I remember that. Maybe I really only remember the feeling of loss when I realized all that was gone. Illusions die hard.
I’d guess it was ever so, human nature being what it is, or at least the potential was lurking underneath the whole time. 9/11 really broke our brains. It broke mine, I supported the Patriot Act when it was good for me, because I was frightened by the prospect of the purported nuclear terrorism threat lurking. I was younger then, and hadn’t had the scales removed from my eyes; it was a major mistake.
COVID and Russiagate did it for me, permanently. I started out thinking the public health authorities were doing the best they could, given a tough situation. But very quickly it became obvious that there was more going on besides public health. The eagerness with which so many ostensible ‘no judgement’ types embraced the narrative of their fellow Americans as pestilence really freaked me out. I have nasty, shoot from the hip thoughts, but I know better than to say them out loud, if for no other reason than I know myself to be reactive. The glee I witnessed in people expressing those things they ought to have stewed on was breathtaking, and illusion shattering. So much for the peace and love types!
American government agencies participating in a conspiracy, and funneling my tax dollars to foreign NGOs in furtherance thereof, to overthrow a duly elected American president - who I was no fan of, by the way - that was the final straw.
So there’s nowhere left to turn. How do we cleanse the body politic without engaging in pestilence rhetoric of our own? How do we work for the betterment of our personal in-group without falling prey to the cynicism the establishment employs to remain the establishment?
Acceptance of humans for what we are is confounding.
I managed to get past my anger and resentment. But I, like you, will _never_ forget what happened. What was done to us. What people are. What they are capable of when terrorized or enraged. I just tell myself, "Bless them, Father, for they know not what they do."
I spent years trapped in a shell, terrified of everything and everyone. I don't mean after the Madness of 2020 -- I mean my youth. It took me years to get past that, to come out of my shell and be capable of interacting with strangers without discomfort. Alcohol helped.
The Madness took all that away. All the fruits of my efforts. I spent a few more years right back in that shell. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without anxiety. I've since recovered, but life was a numb gray Hell for a while.
I may have let go of the anger, but I'm still guarded in my interactions with others. There is always that unconsious impulse, when encountering a new person: are they one of _them?_
With regard to migraines, I've read (but cannot verify, as I don't get them) that nitrous oxide can be of great help, when you feel one coming on, due to it's status as a vasodilator.
The stack above has been instrumental in helping my lower my out-of-control blood pressure. It's still sucks, but it sucks much less than it did a year ago. I think DMSO has been a big part of that.
Interesting essay. I sympathize wrt migraines. I had a couple or three many years ago. No explanation for how and why, but they were absolutely debilitating. Fortunately they resolved without medical help and are no more. However, they burn in the memory as if yesterday. I can’t imagine I could have lived with them as long as you did. Respect.
There is a film, Melancholia (2011) about a depressive ad.exec. whose life is occasionally crippled by her condition. Her sister is happy with her mansion, wealth, horses, husband, son, until it's the end of the world (end of the illusion). The depressed sister suddenly becomes okay because she recognises the world as it is (mostly), while her sister, "living the dream", loses the plot in total panic.
Come to think of it, the Arcadian god Pan (origin of the word panic) was said to inspire terror in people because he showed them the deepest levels of reality.
Ah, I too remember the horrified astonishment I felt in 2020 as the Covid hysteria unfolded slowly month by month, the jaw dropping incredulous sense of utter amazement that actual, official government agencies nationwide at all levels could possibly engage in these transparently false narratives, and move into open blatant coercion, even forbidding loved ones from being with their dying family members....hard to unsee, hard to forget....best of luck!
The Topamax blindness is such a brutal metaphor for trust. Followed medical advice, got the rare side effect that literally took sight away. Then 2020 did the same thing but to collective trust, and now theres this weird tension between remembering what happened and needing to function. Norm's paint observation nails it, once you see how something actually works you cant unsee it, but pretending you didnt notice becomes the price of re-entry.
It’s such a steep price to pay though. I think that is part of what makes it all so difficult.
Your dignity feels compromised when you pretend to forget such egregious things.
I was a boy in the 70s, a youth in the 80s, and a young man in the 90s. I have a vague memory of what that was like, that is perhaps best described as a memory of a memory. The freedom of the ordinary person; the ties of friendship stronger than politics or religion or race; the willingness to live and let live. The vast majority of us had agreed, and that’s how we conducted ourselves, I’m sure of it. I swear I remember that. Maybe I really only remember the feeling of loss when I realized all that was gone. Illusions die hard.
It is difficult to be a human being.
Something broke somewhere along the way and it all unraveled over the last couple of decades. It is indeed difficult to be a human.
I’d guess it was ever so, human nature being what it is, or at least the potential was lurking underneath the whole time. 9/11 really broke our brains. It broke mine, I supported the Patriot Act when it was good for me, because I was frightened by the prospect of the purported nuclear terrorism threat lurking. I was younger then, and hadn’t had the scales removed from my eyes; it was a major mistake.
COVID and Russiagate did it for me, permanently. I started out thinking the public health authorities were doing the best they could, given a tough situation. But very quickly it became obvious that there was more going on besides public health. The eagerness with which so many ostensible ‘no judgement’ types embraced the narrative of their fellow Americans as pestilence really freaked me out. I have nasty, shoot from the hip thoughts, but I know better than to say them out loud, if for no other reason than I know myself to be reactive. The glee I witnessed in people expressing those things they ought to have stewed on was breathtaking, and illusion shattering. So much for the peace and love types!
American government agencies participating in a conspiracy, and funneling my tax dollars to foreign NGOs in furtherance thereof, to overthrow a duly elected American president - who I was no fan of, by the way - that was the final straw.
So there’s nowhere left to turn. How do we cleanse the body politic without engaging in pestilence rhetoric of our own? How do we work for the betterment of our personal in-group without falling prey to the cynicism the establishment employs to remain the establishment?
Acceptance of humans for what we are is confounding.
Ignorance is bliss.
I managed to get past my anger and resentment. But I, like you, will _never_ forget what happened. What was done to us. What people are. What they are capable of when terrorized or enraged. I just tell myself, "Bless them, Father, for they know not what they do."
I spent years trapped in a shell, terrified of everything and everyone. I don't mean after the Madness of 2020 -- I mean my youth. It took me years to get past that, to come out of my shell and be capable of interacting with strangers without discomfort. Alcohol helped.
The Madness took all that away. All the fruits of my efforts. I spent a few more years right back in that shell. I couldn't even go to the grocery store without anxiety. I've since recovered, but life was a numb gray Hell for a while.
I may have let go of the anger, but I'm still guarded in my interactions with others. There is always that unconsious impulse, when encountering a new person: are they one of _them?_
I can absolutely relate to that impulse when meeting new people. I this It’s going to be one of the hardest things to shake.
With regard to migraines, I've read (but cannot verify, as I don't get them) that nitrous oxide can be of great help, when you feel one coming on, due to it's status as a vasodilator.
Long-term, maybe check this out: https://www.midwesterndoctor.com/p/dmso-mixtures-transform-natural-medicine
The stack above has been instrumental in helping my lower my out-of-control blood pressure. It's still sucks, but it sucks much less than it did a year ago. I think DMSO has been a big part of that.
Interesting essay. I sympathize wrt migraines. I had a couple or three many years ago. No explanation for how and why, but they were absolutely debilitating. Fortunately they resolved without medical help and are no more. However, they burn in the memory as if yesterday. I can’t imagine I could have lived with them as long as you did. Respect.
I still deal with them, but much less regularly these days. It’s a hard thing to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. Thanks for reading.
In case it may help: https://www.earthclinic.com/cures/migraines.html
There is a film, Melancholia (2011) about a depressive ad.exec. whose life is occasionally crippled by her condition. Her sister is happy with her mansion, wealth, horses, husband, son, until it's the end of the world (end of the illusion). The depressed sister suddenly becomes okay because she recognises the world as it is (mostly), while her sister, "living the dream", loses the plot in total panic.
Come to think of it, the Arcadian god Pan (origin of the word panic) was said to inspire terror in people because he showed them the deepest levels of reality.
Ah, I too remember the horrified astonishment I felt in 2020 as the Covid hysteria unfolded slowly month by month, the jaw dropping incredulous sense of utter amazement that actual, official government agencies nationwide at all levels could possibly engage in these transparently false narratives, and move into open blatant coercion, even forbidding loved ones from being with their dying family members....hard to unsee, hard to forget....best of luck!